Flying On My Own!

 

aid729397-v4-728px-Feed-a-Baby-Bird-Step-17-Version-2.jpgI’ve come a long way on my journey of grief. I’ve experienced every emotion I believe the human body can feel. I was angry. I was sad and heartbroken. I was disappointed. I felt guilty, ashamed and embarrassed. Everyone knew my struggle and everyone knew I was in pain. I’ve felt anxiety and went through a very depressive period. My heart was so fearful that I couldn’t sleep most nights. My mind was flooded with thoughts but the one thought that I’ve been pondering recently is that I am really on my own now.  I don’t have that parental guidance to inform me when I’m making a mistake or to ensure me that I’m making the right decision. I don’t have that parental guidance to praise me when I’ve done something good or to verbally reprimand me when I haven’t been. I’m really on my own now. I’m learning to pay my bills on my own and on time without being reminded by my mom. I’m learning to prioritize my needs over my wants and to put my family first. I’m learning what it’s like to really be a woman now and how to stand on my own two feet.

When I think of this experience at this point in my journey, I think of the baby bird when it’s time to leave the nest. The parents of the birds prepare them as soon as possible to be ready for that day. The day when it’s time to fly on their own. The day when it’s time to leave the nest. This transitional time for the baby birds is called nestling. Research states that this is a very dangerous time for them because leaving the nest too early or too late could really hurt them. They are now beginning to make their own decisions and their  moving about on their own. They have to find their own food now, etc…

I would like to think that God has pushed me out of the nest.  I may have stayed in it too long. Although I am a married woman with children, I was still in the nest. I still depended on my parents for almost everything. I would consult them verses consulting my husband first as a married woman should. If I spilled milk I was still looking for them to clean it up; but God is saying now it’s time for me to be just like that baby bird. It’s time to spread my wings and fly.  Letting go is fearful and just the thought of being out of the nest is scary but God reminds me that he’ll be there to lead and guide me every step of the way and that he is my wise counsel. So I surrender Lord to your will. You can have your way in my life. I’m starting to fly, please don’t let me fall!

20191109_193511 Philippians 3:13-14 Brethen, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

The Dream

 

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Dreams are a series of thoughts, images and sensations that occur in our minds while we sleep; however, I believe that when we dream about our loved one that is no longer with us it is a visitation. I believe that it is their way of communicating with us, to comfort us and to help us get through our grief.

A few weeks ago I had a dream about my mom. It’s not the first dream that I’ve had about her but this one stuck with me and I’ll never forget it. In the dream she and I were holding hands praying for her healing. Then out of no where, in the middle of the prayer, mama yelled out that it wasn’t meant for her to be healed. She then directed me to her jewelry box and gave me the most beautiful earrings. The earrings had writing on them that read, ” Trust in the Lord with all your heart.” I then awoke from my sleep. I pondered about this dream for days. Why was mama yelling? What was she trying to tell me? 

See my mom was very quiet and meek. The only time she would raise her voice was to get her point across. I truly believe that my mom wants me to understand that God’s will for her life was done. She wants me to let go of the disappointment that I feel. God did heal her just as we prayed for, just not the way that I was hoping for. His ways are not my ways and his thoughts are not my thoughts. She wants me to let go of the fantasy that she is coming back home and finally accept that she is home resting in eternity. So I say I hear you mom loud and clear. I will trust in the Lord and in his plan even though it hurts and I don’t understand. I will continue to seek his face and I will stay at his feet in prayer, praying that he will continue to help me accept the things that I can not change and that he will continue to help me to let go.

Prayer For Grief

Heavenly Father

I pray that you will continue to watch over me as I travel through this journey of grief. When my heart is consumed with pain and my eyes are cloudy with tears Father I pray that you will comfort me and dry my weeping eyes. Father I pray that you will be my guide when I feel lost along the way and that you will be my dearest friend on all the lonely days. Hold my hand precious Lord and never let it go. Lift my spirits and bring me joy during the times I’m feeling low. Help me to see that you Father God know what’s best for me and in due time I’ll understand why this had to be. 

Amen

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