What is anger? Why do we get so angry at something or someone that we feel has done us wrong? Did they intentionally mean to upset us? Did they intentionally mean to break our hearts and cause sadness to fall upon us? Were they really trying to hurt us?
My mind raced with a million thoughts and questions and then I realized that I was consumed with anger. Why God? Why her? Why me? Why us? I could not see pass my pain. It could not see through the tears and all I could ask was why. I later came to see that I was not only angry with God but I was angry with my mom too. How could you leave me like this? I thought you loved me. Were you not happy here with me. Did I do something wrong? I felt abandoned. To be completely honest I felt like an adult orphan. What am I going to do now? But God is so faithful. Even through my questions, my doubt and anger he remained true. He showed me to myself and my heart broke all over again, this time for a different reason.
I recognized that I was being very selfish. I was only thinking about my needs and my wants. It didn’t dawn on me that my mom was tired. She was exhausted and she wanted rest. She was tired of the numerous doctor visits and the long hospital stays. She was tired of fighting diabetes and heart failure. She prayed for her healing and she received it. I asked her to forgive me for being so self-centered and I also asked God to forgive me for questioning his works. I pray that with each day God will stay by my side and continue to hold my hand as I work through this journey of grief. I pray that he will continue to comfort me and keep me wrapped in his love and peace. I’m ok now mom. You can take your rest!!!