I’ve been struggling with the concepts of moving forward and moving on. What’s the difference? Is it possible to move on from a traumatic event, a heart break or disappointment. After spending much time in the presence of God I realize that there is a difference and moving forward and moving on are both possible. After gaining clarity and understanding I realized that I had physically began to move forward after the loss of my mom, after the heartbreak and the hurt. I dug deeper into my relationship with God and became more active in my church. I recognized the gifts that God had placed within me and I began to use them; however, something still did not feel right. I still was not at peace. There was something that was still troubling me and I could not figure out what . It wasn’t long after all of the pondering and praying that God revealed to me that I had not moved on. Yes , there is a difference! My heart was still in the same place. My heart was still stuck in January of 2019 and here’s the big one, my heart was still holding on to mama. I wanted to let go and move one but I didn’t know how. How can you just let go of someone that you’ve loved and helped and taken care of for so long. I guess we can sometimes be loyal to a fault. I guess I felt that if I let go I would of have been letting mama down. I guess I believed that if I let go I would be alone and the fear of being abandoned was too much to bare. I prayed for God to supernaturally intercede on my behalf and to help me to let go. I give her back to you God and I’m sorry for trying to holding on to something that did not belong to me . You loaned her to me but she was never really mine. Thank you Lord for letting me borrow her for 35 years. She was the best mom a girl could have but now I must let her go. I give my heart permission to smile again and I give my heart permission to really be happy again. You can be free now mama because I’m moving on. There is a difference and I’m choosing both!
As I pondered on the loss of my mom there was an unsettling in my spirit. I prayed and asked God why was I feeling this way. I could not understand why I was not at peace but God revealed to me that I was feeling this way because I never said goodbye. Everything happened so suddenly and her passing was unexpected. I sat in dismay with tears in my eyes although amazed at the revelation God had just given me. WOW! After a year I finally realized that I had not said goodbye. But why is it so hard to say goodbye? Why is it so hard to let go? Why is it so frightening? I guess I felt that saying goodbye meant I would forget about her. I believed it meant I would discard the memories we created together and the moments we shared. I’m telling you I was in a fix. God comforted me however and made me aware that saying goodbye and letting go does not mean that I would forget her and everything that we had experienced together. He reassured me that letting go doesn’t happen all at once. I now understand that it is a process and that it comes about in steps. The next step on my process of letting go is saying goodbye. So I say goodbye mama and I’ll say it every day until it sinks deep down into my heart. It’s hard to say goodbye and it’s scary but I know that it is a necessary part of my journey of grief and that it brings me closer to the road of acceptance.