As I pondered on the loss of my mom there was an unsettling in my spirit. I prayed and asked God why was I feeling this way. I could not understand why I was not at peace but God revealed to me that I was feeling this way because I never said goodbye. Everything happened so suddenly and her passing was unexpected. I sat in dismay with tears in my eyes although amazed at the revelation God had just given me. WOW! After a year I finally realized that I had not said goodbye. But why is it so hard to say goodbye? Why is it so hard to let go? Why is it so frightening? I guess I felt that saying goodbye meant I would forget about her. I believed it meant I would discard the memories we created together and the moments we shared. I’m telling you I was in a fix. God comforted me however and made me aware that saying goodbye and letting go does not mean that I would forget her and everything that we had experienced together. He reassured me that letting go doesn’t happen all at once. I now understand that it is a process and that it comes about in steps. The next step on my process of letting go is saying goodbye. So I say goodbye mama and I’ll say it every day until it sinks deep down into my heart. It’s hard to say goodbye and it’s scary but I know that it is a necessary part of my journey of grief and that it brings me closer to the road of acceptance.
As I stood on the porch the other morning the cool wind blew over my face. There was a calmness in the air. The green grass covered with the white morning dew. The birds chirped with excitement and the sun seemed to peek at me through the clouds. Everything seemed so peaceful except my heart. There was a heaviness in my chest that just would not leave, an unusual sensitivity in the pit of my stomach. My eyes permeated with what could have been compared to a river and then the tears began to fall. Yes, I was remembering love.
The more I stood there and thought of all the times my mom and I shared. As I thought of all the memories we created together, the tears fell even more. I could remember mama not being big on words. She was more of a take action type of woman. She rarely said the word love but boy did she show it. At Christmas time I always got the most gifts and on my birthday she had no problem letting me know that I was her special little girl. She was there for me and I was there for her. We were two peas in a pod. Yes, I was remembering love.
I giggled to myself with tears still in my eyes as I thought back on the disagreements we sometimes had. How silly to argue about things so small. I was never really upset anyway. It was just my way of showing her that I was an adult and I had my own opinion now. It’s so funny because we would only stay mad about five seconds. I would find a way to make her laugh so she wouldn’t be mad anymore. Man, this feeling just wouldn’t go away! I was remembering love.
I use to think something was wrong with me for still feeling this way after fourteen months has passed already but God validates my pain. He validates my emotions. He says that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to still have feelings of uncertainty and it’s okay to be unsure. He let’s me know that the heaviness in my chest, the sensitivity in my stomach, the sorrow in my heart and the river that consumes my eyes from time to time is my body’s way of letting me know that……… I Am Remembering Love.
One thing that grief has taught me especially as God is taking me on an intense healing journey is reciprocity. Emotional reciprocity! As children of God we are suppose to love our neighbors as Christ does but that does not mean we have to tolerate emotional abuse from people who call us friends or family. We do not have to continue to provide emotional support and positive actions to people who find it unnecessary to reciprocate it. God is teaching me to set boundaries, to guard my heart at all times. I Affirm that there are certain things that I will no longer tolerate in my space. I Affirm that there are certain people whom I consider toxic and have no desire to connect with. I Affirm that I am no longer willing to over extend myself to people who do not return the same to me. I Affirm that I can not pacify your need to validated or included because you have insecurities. I Affirm that I will no longer down play my blessings nor allow other’s jealousy to manipulate my feelings. I Affirm that I am no longer willing to dim my light so that other’s light can shine. We can shine together! It’s called healing and growing and I am experiencing both! I Affirm that I am no longer attracted to other people’s brokenness. I Affirm that I’ve decided to turn my pain into power. I Affirm that I’ve decided to turn my pain into purpose and I Affirm that I am still the girl who’s turning tragedy into triumph!! What are you affirming over your life? What are you affirming over your emotions, your mind and spirit? What are you speaking in your atmosphere?